


His

by Tidalbells3146 (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 02:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2174898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Tidalbells3146
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Grand Highblood was easily the most terrifying motherfucking troll on Alternia. Other than Her Imperious Condescension of course. So why the motherfuck was the little know-it-all tealblood not afraid of him? And why the motherfuck can he not bring himself to cull her for her motherfucking smart ass mouth??</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His Legislacerator Problem

**Author's Note:**

> These two have to be my OTP.  
> So I regret nothing.  
> I hope you enjoy the story.  
> Homestuck belongs to the Huss.  
> P.S I had far too much fun writing this chapter.

A large troll walked through the maze that was the Dark Carnival grounds. All around him were stone buildings built to look like circus tents, covered in blood splatter of every color of the spectrum, except Tyrian because that was heresy. The Carnival goers moved out of his way, except a few that were covered in blood with dazed expressions on their faces. Those the Highblood stepped around. The Mirthful Messiahs had hold of them and it was best to let them be. The Grand Highblood remember their faces though. They would need to be pulled aside after they broke from their trances and locked away for sacrificing later. The Messiahs only took hold of the ones they wanted.

The Highblood walked into the main sacrament tent, through the three ringed show floor. He stopped only to watch as one of the Acroterrorists fell from the tightwire while practicing. The acrobat smashed onto the ground, purplish-blue blood splattering everywhere. The Highblood continued on his way through the tents and into his blood splattered throne room. He sat down in the large, raised throne and sighed, relaxing into his throne.He looked around the throne room, trying to decide what needed touching up. As he decided that it would look good with some orange, the throne room doors were suddenly flung open. He snarled and let a wave of Chucklevoodoos out as he looked up, ready to cull the motherfucker storming into his throne room. Instead he cut the snarl short and immediately shut off his Chucklevoodoos.

"Empress!" he immediately got to his feet.

Her Imperiousness Condescension strolled across the room, her hair trailed behind her like a black bride train, her fingers gripping her trident tightly. She had a displeased frown on her face as the Highblood moved out of the way. She immediately draped herself over his throne, her trident tapping the floor. If anyone else had done that, they'd be his next set of art supplies. He impatiently waited for her to start speaking first.

"I want you to go to the Legislacerator building," The Condesce said, sounding utterly displeased.

"Okay," he replied, nodding slightly. "What the motherfuck for?"

"They just got a new Head Legislacerator," she spat. "Who is a _mid_ blood of all things. You go there and you betta bring me back a good reason that a midblood is in charge."

"Yeah. Of motherfucking course. Cull it if there ain't a good enough reason?"

"Nah. Invite the beach to tea. Of glubbing course I want you to cull it!"

"Okay. No need for the motherfucking sarcasm. You need some motherfucking shooshpapping before I go?"

"I will shove my trident through your whale of a body."

"I will take that as a motherfucking no. See ya when I see ya."

The Grand Highblood left the throne room. Once he was out, his thoughts immediately shifted to the new Head Legislacerator. A midblood. That means someone with a shade of blood starting from Jade, which would be severely unlikely, to teal, which was more likely. It was a stretch that a midblood would be elected into a position of too much power. It was hard to trust a midblood. Teal shades were just barely over the lowblood-highblood line. They were allowed to be things like Legislacerators but were rarely accepted into power positions. They had to be good. Real motherfucking good.

The Grand Highblood walked out of the Carnival grounds and into the main city. A grin spread across his painted as low and highbloods alike scrambled to get out of his way. There was only one troll on Alternia with that much ferocious hair and stood seven feet tall with out his horns and wore that much purple and spikes. The Grand Highblood only ever left the Carnival grounds if he had business. And when he had business, it usually meant that he was going to cull someone. If anyone got in the way of his culling, they knew he wouldn't hesitate to step on them with those boots he wore that gave him an extra inch because of the spikes on the bottom. 

As he arrived at the Legislacerator courtblocks, the GH paused in surprise, though he kept his outward appearance calm. In the large square in front of building was a huge dragon. It was curled around the fountain, sleeping quietly. All the passerby were giving the dragon a wide berth, glancing at it with much apprehension. That is, except for the Legislacerator's. They barely gave the dragon a second glance as the moved into the building. Of course, The Grand Highblood was not going to be outdone by a bunch of uptight lawyers. So he walked by the dragon, undeterred from his path and up the steps into the building.

In all honesty, the GH hated coming to this place. When any law is broken, the punishment is always death. He simply didn't understand why there was a need for these people. They were only prolonging the inevitable. The other reason he hated coming to this place was because the Legislacerators were trained to not show any emotion. They were cold motherfuckers. They didn't even show fear at seeing the Grand Highblood walk into their building. They didn't even stop to look at him as he walked by, straying from their paths to simply walk around him. It severely ticked him off so he let out a wave of Chucklevoodoos with grin.

He got extremely disappointing results though. Only a few obviously untrained, Legislacerators froze in their steps as terror flooded them. The rest seemed to tense and walk about a bit faster. This didn't help his mood as he continued to walk down the halls. Plaques on the walls pointed out various courtrooms and offices. He followed the ones that said 'Head Legislacerator' on them. He turned down a hall and stopped short as he nearly ran over a female troll who immediately looked up at him through candy red shades and a disapproving frown tugged at her thin lips.

"Your Chucklevoodoos are disrupting work," she snapped in irritation. "Please cease using them."

The Grand Highblood stared at her, a bit stunned. No one had ever spoken to him like that or ordered him around other than the Condesce herself. He growled at her in fury. 

"Listen bitch," he snarled. "Do ya have any motherfucking clue who you are all up and talking to?"

"The Grand Highblood," she said simply. "The Subjuggulator of all Subjuggulators. Head of the Dark Carnival. Her Imperious Condescension's... what's a nice word for it, lapdog?"

He snarled and snatched at her only to have her dodge out of the way.

"Oh you'll have to be a bit faster than that, Highblood," she said, brushing back a lock of her jaw length hair from her face.

"I don't have motherfuckin time to deal with you right now bitch," he snapped, pushing her out of the way and continuing to head down the hall.

The Highblood had to keep his temper. He didn't want to destroy another building in one of his rages. The Condesce would not be pleased if he did. She probably would only reprimand him, but still. It was always better to not do something to irritate her. Though, it was getting rather hard to keep his temper since the little annoying woman was now following him down the hall. He felt a slight headache prodding at his thinksponge. He decided to try to ignore her. They arrived at the office and the GH paused to examine the libra symbol on the doors. 

It was split down the middle by the doors and painted on in teal blood. Probably the Head Legislacerator's own blood. He tried to shove open the doors, only to have them not budge. The little legislacerator woman frowned at him as she played with her one of her pointy horns

"Seems pretty rude to enter someone's office without knocking," she stated, leaning on an iron cane, her hand covering whatever decorated the top of it.

"I'm the Grand motherfucking Highblood," he snapped. "I don't have to motherfucking knock. Go the fuck away."

"Well," she said, leaning against the wall next to the doors instead of leaving, "found out knocking is always a really good way to get in places sometimes."

The Grand Highblood seriously wanted to break the woman's scrawny ass neck. Instead, he knocked, loudly, three times. The two of them paused for a moment. There was no answer and the Highblood growled.

"Guess no one is home," she said cheerily.

"I will motherfucking cull you if you don't leave me the motherfuck alone," he snarled.

"Wait. Wait. I think I can help. Hold on."

The woman walked to the door and reached in the pocket of her uniform and pulled out a key. She pushed the key into the keyhole in the middle of the door and turned it. It opened with a click and she walked in, closing the doors behind her. The Grand Highblood was now standing outside of the doors, staring at them numbly as his thinksponge slowly processed what was happening. Then she called from inside the room.

"Try knocking now!"

It finally clicked and the Grand Highblood slammed his head on the door in irritation.

"Mother... fucker."

"Come in!"

The Grand Highblood shoved open the doors and glared at the woman who was now sitting behind the desk in the office with a small smirk on her face.

"You are a motherfucking bitch," he snarled at her.

"I'm sorry Highblood," she said. "I will only agree to speak with you only if you are civil. This is a place of business. And Minor law three-fourty states that in all business offices, one must stay civil for the sake of the Empire running smoothly. Article A of this law clarifies Civil as: No powers. No snarling. No threats. And no culling. Addendum 1 of this articles excludes the Dark Carnival business from this minor law due to their business being one of culling."

The Grand Highblood stared at the woman. She was smiling at him.

"And who is to say that this ain't motherfucking Carnival business?"

"If this was Carnival business," she pointed out, "you wouldn't be looking for me specifically. Unless you had orders from the Condesce to cull me. And I haven't done anything deserving of getting culled."

"You annoyed the motherfuck out of me. That's a good enough motherfucking reason to cull you."

"Well, unfortunately, you can't do that."

"Why the motherfuck not?"

"Law sixty-three."

"Law sixty-three?"

"You helped write the laws, Highblood. One would expect you to know them. Law sixty three states breaks down the unofficial culling system. It sates that it is illegal for a lowblood to cull a highblood."

"I'm not a low-"

"However, Clause 1 states that the highblood must be unarmed if it is to be deemed illegal. Clause 2 states that it must be in self defense. Addendum to this states that if a lowblood managed to stop a highblood from culling him by culling him, he merely weeded out a weak unit in the Empire and performed his duty to make the Empire strong. Clause three states that if a lowblood culls a highblood on order from a troll higher than them both, it is also legal since the lowblood was doing as (s)he was told to. Clause 4 states that if a lowercaste gains a position of power by chance, that position boosts them up and allows them the same rights and positions as a purple blood and culling them without good cause is illegal because they are the gears of our society."

"You could have just motherfucking told me Clause 4. It was not necessary to go through the entire motherfucking law," the Grand Highblood stated. 

"Oh I don't mind," the woman said. "You seemed like you needed a refreshed course. If you need any help remembering them, just come find me. I have all three law books memorized."

"...what is your motherfucking name?" he demanded in frustration.

"My title is Neophyte Redglare," she replied with a nod.

"How the motherfuck did you manage to become motherfucking Head Legislacerator?"

"I've lost three cases."

"How the motherfuck does losing-"

"Out of 378 cases."

The Grand Highblood scowled at her.

"Anything else you need sir?"

"No." 

The Highblood stood to his feer and left, slamming the doors and went to go rant to his moirail about the stupid bitch of a Legislacerator he couldn't cull because she is actually really motherfucking good at her job.


	2. His Moirail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homestuck belongs to the Huss.

Chucklevoodoos flaring angrily, the Grand Highblood stormed back onto the Carnival grounds. The Carnies dashed to get out of his way. He was covered in blood from the people not fast enough to get out of his way on the way back through the city. An unfortunate Subjuggulator ran into him on his way into the main Sacrament tent and joined the Mirthful Messiahs early when the Highblood grabbed him and slammed his head into the wall, splattering light purple blood everywhere. The Highblood grabbed the dead the dead troll and dragged him through the tent, grabbing a terrified acroterrorist as well who he was sure had more blue than purple in her veins. He kicked open the door roughly, surprising the Condesce who was still inside the room, reading a magazine on his throne.

The Tyrian frowned as she watched him drop the dead troll before slamming the still living one on the ground. The acroterrorist screamed in pain as a few bones in her body broke. He slapped her face, raking his claws across her face. She shrieked in agony and jerked as his pinkie claw got caught on her left eye, ripping it out. He shook the eye off his hands before ripping his claws across her neck and she gave a gurgled noise as her blood sprayed everywhere. She twitched a few time before going still. He covered his hands in her blood and smeared it across the wall. He grabbed the Subjuggulator and began painting with his blood as well.

"Highblood," called the Condesce, standing from the throne with a frown.

He didn't answer as he smeared the blood in a slight arch over the wall.

"Highblood." No answer. "KURLOZ MAKARA YOU WILL GLUBBING ANSWER ME!"

Flinching in shock at the use of his wriggler name, the Grand Highblood let his arm drop from the wall. His Chucklevoodoos faded out as he turned to her and her cold eyes roamed over him, scowling.

"What?" he muttered in anger.

She reached up and papped him.

"Shoosh."

"I don't-"

"Shoosh." Pap.

"Condy, I-"

"Shoosh." Pap. Pap.

He fell silent.

"Good. Go sit down."

The GH obediently sat in his throne and she draped herself over his lap.

"Now glub to me. What the fish happened? And why are ya not covered in midblood?"

"She fucked with me."

"...what?"

The Grand Highblood told her everything that the Redglare had did. He gave her a slight glare when he told her about the door incident and she just smirked up at him. He continued to retell the days events and the Condy frowned when he finished.

"So she quoted the laws at you?" she asked. "Word for word?"

"I don't motherfucking know if it was word for word. _I_ don't have them motherfucking memorized."

"Hm. And she's only lost three of her three-hundred somefin cases..."

"That's what she motherfucking said."

"One last thing. What was her lusus?"

"What? How the motherfuck should I know?"

The Condesce sighed and papped him on the cheek.

"The Head Legislacerator bring their lusii with them to the building. It's like, them saying that place is like a second hive to them. That their duty or whatever is more glubbing important than whatever is at their hive."

"There was no motherfucking lusii in her- motherfuck."

"What is it?"

"There was a motherfucking dragon in the main courtyard."

The Condesce looked up at him a bit surprised.

"A dragon? Dragons don't usually pick trolls that low on the spectrum for their charges. They are picky creatures."

"Well, that was the only motherfucking lusus I saw there."

"Explains why she had the guts to grab that position. A dragon lusus does give one a confidence boost."

The GH growled, more Chucklevoodoos leaking out of his horns as the woman became more and more uncullable. The Condesce tsked and reached up, papping him again and shooshing him. He took a deep breath and let his shoulders go slack.

"I guess she motherfucking fits criteria then?" he muttered bitterly.

"Unfortunately. But no worries. Legislacerators do not last long on Alternia. Their jobs put them in danger. Especially the Head Legislacerator."

"Good. Hope her motherfucking death is slow and painful the motherfucking bitch."

The Condesce laughed. They sat in silence for a few moment, enjoying the pale red feelings washing over them. The Condesce spoke with a sigh.

"Dualscar is all kinds of irritated right now," she said.

"Oh? Who turned him down this motherfucking time?" he questioned with a roll of his eyes.

"It's not that. This kind of irritated me as well. Mindfang stole a ship of slaves from him."

"Well motherfuck. That is irritating. How much did we lose?"

"30,426 caegars worth of goods."

"Motherfucking shit."

"This isn't the first time this pirate has struck either. She's been gettin more and more glubbing confident as time goes on. Someone had betta stop her soon before she does more glubbing damage"

"Want me to take care of her?"

"Nah. At the moment it is too menial for you, babe. Once I sea no one else can handle it, then I'll send my attack shark out at her."

"Whatever. I still hate the bitch."

"Whale, you do still need to fill your black quadrant."

"Hell no!"

The Condesce laughed, papping him again and he sighed, shaking his head. He hoped that teal blood gave him a good reason to cull her soon.


End file.
